The corporate world is brutal with too many guidelines, each over a hundred pages long. A simple mishap may lead to a trip to the HR’s office. Unfortunately, the ones in charge often overlook this very complicated matter to make guidelines on how to make friends in the office.
I’ve observed that friendship can be approached same way we would govern:
- small to medium enterprises,
- multinational corporations,
- government agencies,
- and international relations.
Therefore, we can use the same principles to enforce accountability and transparency with enforcement mechanism in making friends.
Table of Contents
Principle #1: Tit for Tat – The Principle of Reciprocity
Tit for Tat is often used in international diplomacy. The basic rule says that if you do something nice for a friend, your friend should also do something equally nice (or better). For example, if you buy them coffee in the morning, they should buy you lunch. If you send them a meme, they should send you at least two memes. You listen to their problems for 45 minutes straight, they are now contractually obligated and under strong diplomatic pressure to listen to your hour-long oration in your birthday party.
Remember, even if it was three months ago, the treaty remains in force!
Principle #2: Zero Trust Principle – Trust No One Until Properly Authenticated
In cybersecurity, nobody gets access simply because they claim they are trustworthy. This is why every employee have to tap their ID cards before entering a room. This principle should be applied to friendship. Never trust anyone on the simple basis that the person says, “Trust me.”
Before granting someone the title of “friend,” a few authentication must happen:
- Do they laugh at your jokes?
- Do they return borrowed items?
- Do they respect your snacks?
- Do they talk about you behind your back?
- Do they say, “I have something to tell you,” and then disappear for a week?
Furthermore, access levels should also be introduced. Depending on your corporate structure, this can be adjusted however you want.
For example:
| Level | Relationship | Access |
| Level 0 | Stranger | Basic greeting |
| Level 1 | Acquaintance | Small talk |
| Level 2 | Friend | Memes and casual invitations |
| Level 3 | Close Friend | Personal problems |
| Level 4 | Trusted Friend | Password to the Wi-Fi |
| Level 5 | Best Friend | “Can you pick me up?” privileges |
| Level 6 | Family (Unofficial) | “Can I stay over?” privileges |
Principle #3: Whistleblower Policy – Violation Reporting System
In our not-so perfect world, friends inevitably commit violations. Someone must report betrayal, gossip, unauthorized screenshot sharing, suspicious romantic decisions, and ordering food without asking the group.
Friends should report violations through, first, private messages, i.e., “Bro, I need to tell you something,” or “Bro, you owe me one.” If it is not possible, a passive-aggressive joke through group chats should be the next step. The whistleblower shall be protected from retaliation, unless they are the person who started the problem.
Calling another friend immediately after the incident also creates a witness system. It is also recommended to convene in an emergency group chat to discuss what everyone already knows.
Finally, sanctions should be imposed after deliberation. For example,
- Verbal warning and an “I told you so”
- Temporary meme restrictions
- Removal from group chat
- Mandatory apology
Principle #4: Conflict of Interest Policy – Keeping Friendships Professional
Friendships become complicated when personal interests interfere with organizational objectives. For example, your friend asks, “Do you wanna hang out?” You respond, “I have a prior engagement.” And it is known that that engagement is with another friend (worse, the friend is common between you two).
As such, friends must disclose potential conflicts, including
- Having another best friend.
- Joining another group chat without notifying previous management.
- Dating your friend’s ex without declaring it to the board.
When a conflict occurs, the friend must temporarily recuse themselves. Do not immediately declare war but initiate an internal investigation. Refer to Principle #3 if needed.
Principle #5: Performance Reviews – Keeping Friendships to Meet Expectations
Every friendship must undergo a formal performance review at least once a year. Evaluation categories shall differ from case to case. However, you may refer to the following suggestions:
- Responsiveness: How quickly do they answer messages?
- Reliability: Do they actually show up?
- Humor: Are their memes still funny?
- Loyalty: Do they defend you when you’re not there?
- Emotional Support: Can they listen without saying, “That sounds like a personal problem.”
- Availability: Are they mysteriously busy whenever you need help?
- Sharing of Resources: Do they offer you some food?
Feedback can be collected from mutual friends, fellow group-chat members, and the person who has known them longest.
I’ve asked ChatGPT for some key performance indicators (KPIs) and this is what it recommended:
- Meme Response Rate (MRR)
- Hangout Attendance Rate (HAR)
- Snack Contribution Index (SCI)
- Unsolicited Advice Frequency (UAF)
- Left-on-Read Ratio (LRR)
- “Bro, You Up?” Response Time (BRT)
If a friend consistently underperforms, management may issue a Friendship Performance Improvement Plan (FPIP). Failure to meet the requirements may result in a probationary friendship status.
Outstanding friends, on the other hand, may be eligible for promotion. See Levels in Principle #2. However, promotions may be subject to available positions.
Conclusion
Traditional friendship relies on feelings, which are hard to document and assess. Modern friendship relies on principles.
